An Open Letter To 2020 Brides As the Holidays Approach

I wrote this post a few weeks ago when I was feeling particularly down about the reality of our situation this year. I woke up this morning feeling even more discouraged and frustrated about the state of the Pandemic and it feels really trivial to be focusing on this, which is the exact reason I was sharing in the first place. This has been a year of loss, and it’s not going to magically change on January 1, 2021. I know that.

I share these words because of all the weeks that have been dark this year, this one feels the darkest to me. Even with so much hope, there is so much suffering and sacrifice and I am exhausted. It’s okay to be exhausted and tired and angry. Protect your mental and physical health.

This time last year, I was counting the days until 2020. We were less than 6 months away from our wedding and I felt myself wishing away the days until it was our wedding year.

Obviously, we all know how this story ends. 2020 took a turn for all of us. We’ve all experienced so much loss this year, both the material and the immaterial. I know I am not unique in suffering this year and in the grand scheme of life, I know what I’ve lost does not compare to the pain and suffering of our essential workers, healthcare employees, and those who contracted this virus.

So, I would like to give warning that I am going to discuss what it has felt like to be a bride who had to postpone/cancel her wedding in 2020. If you find this discussion to be materialistic and triggering in anyway, I invite you to leave this post for your own mental health and mine. I don’t want to offend anyone by sharing these feelings or make it seem like I am ungrateful for my health and home. But please remember, this is my space to share and I feel like these words might make others in the same position feel less alone.

Dear 2020 Bride,

You planned and planned. You watched the days pass, you tried on dresses and tasted cakes. Your friends planned a bachelorette and shower, you chose that special gift for your future spouse to surprise them on your wedding day.

And then, the world stopped. People got sick, gatherings were canceled, and you had a lot of people asking, ‘So…what’s the plan?” You didn’t have an answer because who has ever had to deal with a Global Pandemic in their lifetime that you could ask? The Knot didn’t prepare you for this.

You cried, made the hard decisions, heard unsolicited opinions and advice that made you question if your decision was right. Maybe you eloped, maybe you postponed, maybe you downsized your guest list.

Either way, you were forced to pivot on a day you spent a lot of time dreaming about, a lot of money investing in, and a lot of feelings in your heart.

Now, 2021 is looming. I don’t know about you, but my social media has been flooded with engagements. Happy couples making plans, sharing their countdowns, and now…hoping and praying for their special days to go on amidst this suffering.

Starting to feel a little crazy? Like the world is trying to gaslight you from the pain of giving up the wedding your dreamed with all your friends and family present? Seeing others carry on with big weddings and maskless trips and gatherings make your blood boil?

I will be the first to tell you: You. Are. Not. Alone.

Here’s the thing about ugly feelings: they always feel worse when you think you’re the only one feeling them. It’s really hard to separate our own feelings and recognize them for what they are. I am not perfect, I do not have it figured out, and I never want to hurt anyone.

So, I am going to tell you that if you had to change your plans this year, it’s okay to still be sad and upset. It’s okay to struggle to see others talk about wedding planning like it’s nothing. It’s okay to be bitter, it’s okay to not feel anything, it’s okay to be happy with what you chose to do.

Postponing, canceling, downsizing, or eloping does not determine the strength of your relationship. You are good and strong and deserving of good things. It’s also okay to want to throttle anyone who says, “your day will come.”

It’s a lot to process and it’s okay to have days where you don’t care. It’s okay to have moments where you feel like the world is ending. It’s okay to be excited for the changes. Whatever you feel is valid. Whatever choice you make, it is meant to be for you and your future spouse, because you are the ones that have to live with the choice. No one else.

I’ve learned a lot about boundary setting in 2020. One boundary I do not budge on is muting, unfollowing, and disengaging with anyone on social media who is triggering for my mental health. I know that’s a big buzz word these days, but it is for a reason. If you’ve needed the push to do this to anyone or any account who has been damaging to your ability to make it through the day, here is the sign.

If you’ve read to the end, I hope these words helped you feel less alone. I wasn’t going to discuss anymore wedding related topics, but I really needed to do this for myself. It’s been really hard to reconcile my own feelings and wanting to be a good friend for all the people I’ve seen have happy times this year. And you know what? That’s okay. It doesn’t make you a bad person. We are more than one thing just like we can feel more than one thing.

Being sad and heartbroken for what you have experienced does not mean you are incapable of being happy for others. It’s okay if you need to take a little time.

All of that rambling to say, I’m still sad. I’m still scared. And there’s no shame if you’re still feeling that way too.

Thanks for reading, my email and DMs are always open.