Wedding Wednesday: The Wedding Body Ideal

This one is hard to write, and I’ve put it off for quite some time. It was supposed to be posted last week, and I used my bad head cold as an excuse not to go through with it. But I’ve been living in this limbo for too long and it’s time to brave. 

We’ve all heard it before: sweating for the wedding. I see other brides on Instagram posting their work outs and their salads, protein shakes, etc and then having a break down over it. Most notably, I followed Krista’s journey from engagement to wedding and how she felt about the whole idea. 

At the end of the day, the person you’re marrying doesn’t care what you look like. Right? So why does everyone else? Not once during the engagement process has Nick told me to lose weight. But a lot of other people have. I’ve told myself to! For a dress. For a day. For the complete and total wrong reasons. 

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I have never been the skinny girl. I can remember doctors appointments and hearing my mom and pediatrician discuss my body like I wasn’t there, like that body didn’t include ears. “No juice, no dessert.” 

What did that make me want? Juice and dessert. Because I was mad, ashamed, angry that the doctor made me feel less than. 

I’ve hated going to the doctor ever since that day. Instead of inspiring me to want to avoid sugary foods that weren’t good for me, they drove me to them because I was so embarrassed. 

I don’t have a good relationship with food because my whole life, people have felt they deserve to comment on my body and it’s appearance. I’ve never even been able to believe someone who says they’re only “thinking of my health.” And I’ve never been able to inspire myself to lose weight for me, because the world’s opinion was the only one I could hear. And now, it’s louder than ever. “Are you getting any exercise?” “Don’t you want to be a beautiful bride?” “Just 20lbs, that’s all and it will make a huge difference!” 

Won’t I be a beautiful bride because I’m me?

It sucks. I wish it motivated me, but it just makes me feel worse. It makes me want to lay in bed and not go to the gym, because what’s the point? I’ll never be small enough for them. I’ve worked hard at it, I’ve starved myself, I’ve done Weight Watchers, I’ve done the crash diets, I’ve done it without trying (honestly the best way, and the best I felt. I wish I could recreate that carefree summer that brought me there).  

I’m working on my relationship with my body every day. Accepting it for what it is, but also trying to treat it better. I feel better with greens and lean protein in my belly, instead of pasta and cheese. I feel better after a work out, I just need to get myself there. Self confidence isn’t something I have naturally. It’s a choice I have to make every day. 

But, if you’re struggling like me, I want to be a voice louder than the rest for you: you are beautiful. You are loved. You are perfect the way you are, but it you WANT to change, I support you.